We received a new letter from Crazy Lady over the weekend and DK read part on on Monday. If you’re not up to speed, self-proclaimed “Krazy Lady” has been stalking Mahoney and other DJ’s from our previous radio station in Las Vegas for almost 10 years. She found out Mahoney left and tracked him down to find him here in Houston. Her latest letter is as crazy as ever. You can hear part two of the love letter below. Welcome back, Krazy Lady!!
Here’s the full letter, including the parts we could not read on-air:
I just went to Taco Bell and had a cheesy gordita and I thought of you. I want to feed you one. We will get two so we don’t have to share. I called 1075 and asked them where you were. They told me you went to Texas. Texas is my favorite movie. I have a picture of you on my vanity right next to Tinkerbell. She stares at you in the night. I can’t wait to see you. We will be together. Then we will go to taco bell. I’ve gained weight again but I want to workout and I want you to train me. Train me to be like JLO. I have a pink leotard -it’s the same one Jlo has and she told me I could have it. Mahoney we can play monopoly with JLo but she cusses at me when I win.
My mom wants me to get a job but I told her I want to live at Taco Bell forever. When I go there they are my friends and we talk about you and I see all the old ladies and they love you too and they said they’ve been to your house. I remember that time I was at your house and you have the handlebars in your bedroom and they were so cold against my skin. You skin is warm and you hold me like a baby bird. Let’s watch TV together and be like the Bachelor in Paradise. I’ll give you my rose and you can give me your rose and then you can trim my toenails. Except I think I like Evan so if he wants to give me his rose then you will have to fight him and I know you’ll fight for me Mahoney, even if it means you have to wear makeup. You look good in makeup. But Evan likes Carly and she’s my best friend. Carly will love you and she will give you her rose and I will dance with you both. But I am scared of crabs and I don’t drink. We will make love on the boat but I have to wear a life jacket. I need an extra large but we can both fit. Please don’t pick Carly.
Let’s go to Canada together and drink cocktails and have lots of sex. They told me Canada is wonderful. I’ve never been anywhere before. But in my dreams I go to jamaica with you. In Jamaica we can be with Lindsay Lohan. She talks to me on tv when she wears my pink lip gloss. She’s my best friend. I saw her in Las Vegas a long time ago and we went to Walmart. Will you write me back? I need to be with you and be naked. I hope we can make love in your basement and watch tv. Please be ready for me when I get there and tell Lindsay I am coming.
Will you take control of me? I need to be told what to do in the bedroom. I had another sex dream about you and we made love 4 times in a row on your waterbed. I always wanted a waterbed but I weigh too much I think. I want to take a shower with you so I can hold on to the handicap bars while you bathe me. Mahoney please tickle me with your beard when I take off all of my clothes and show me how to touch you. I hope you aren’t too big for me. You can pretend I’m Lindsay Lohan and I’ll pretend you are Evan and we will be on the Bachelor in paradise when we make love. I just want you to love me when I’m naked. You looked so good without your clothes on. I want to eat jello off of your big belly. But I don’t like orange jello so please bring me red jello. I ate a lot of jello in jail. It’s so slippery.
I still haven’t gotten my teeth fixed. I know I promised you I would and I know you’ve been waiting for me to come to you. You’re so witty and you know how to entertain. I want you to entertain me. Will you send me yellow roses like you promised? I want you to cover me in rose petals just like that movie. I’ll moan for you. I want to have Britney’s teeth and her perfect boobs. I love how crazy she is. She lives in Las Vegas now but you left us. I had a dream that we had a kid and we named him Carl’s Junior. I will be a good mom and you will be a good dad. Can I call you daddy?
I want you to take me to the beach. I can’t swim but we can lay in the sand and I will hold you and rub lotion all over your body. I will wear my life vest. You can lay on my britney spears blanket and we can eat a churro together. Sometimes I stare at the clouds and I see your beard. When we are married I will clean your beard for you. Mahoney will you play with my hair? I will dye it blond like Britney for you. I promise I will not go to jail again. I stopped stealing things and when we are together I know you will buy me a britney spears bicycle. Riding bikes is my favorite thing to do when I am sad. I miss you. I want us to have a double bike and ride together. You have to wear a helmet but I don’t. Will you teach me how to swim in my bathtub?
My nails are painted green right now. I did it myself and when I get a job I will probably be a manicurist. I used to do that before jail. Do you want me to paint your toes? I will shave the hair off your toes and rub your feet. Your feet are so big probably. Then we will take a bath together and I will put bubbles on your face. They don’t let me take baths in jail. I bet britney has a big bathtub. I wish she could take a bath with us and Lindsay Lohan, too. I hope I’m not scaring you and I hope you didn’t leave because of me. We are supposed to be together and my mom loves you. She thinks your name is dumb and I yell at her when she says that. Hurry and come get me and take me to Taco Bell. I am waiting for you.
~ Crazy Lady
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