When I say I didn’t know how to write this, it isn’t a cliché or just some sort of dramatic open. I truly didn’t know what to say. I tried wholeheartedly to share my journey to becoming a mom with all of you. I assumed that when I didn’t post anything after months that people would deduce that there was no news or at least no good news but I was wrong. I know you all have questions because I was so open. I know you all want to know what is going on and here’s the truth.
I spoke with my family and my loved ones about exactly how to handle this. I thought when I started this journey that it would be something that women who were struggling like me would have something to inspire them and at the end of this road, there would be a happy ending. When I was off it was nice to have the time because I was lucky enough to get pregnant. I was tired and I was sick but I had the time to sleep and rest and I thought, man when I get back on the air what great news to share with everyone.
As the pregnancy progressed things were going well. The baby was growing, I was sick but that was normal and I was at my 12-week appointment and we were looking at the sonogram and I was about to send out the text to the rest of my friends I hadn’t told yet. I wanted to wait until 12 weeks when the doctor said, “Hang on”. I knew by the tone in his voice that something was wrong. When I looked at him I knew it wasn’t good.
I am not going to get into all the medical talk of it because it took me a lot of research but basically, he saw fluid around the baby which is a “marker” for Trisomy 18. You may not know what Trisomy is, but you are familiar with one form of Trisomy: and that is Trisomy 21, also known as Downs Syndrome.
What was supposed to be the best day immediately turned and I was sent directly to UT Health to see a Genetic Specialist. She came in and we did the Sonogram again and I knew by the look on her face it wasn’t good. I immediately called my best friend Elizabeth and she met me there and the doctor performed a test and I met with a counselor to go over the possibilities. I left that day knowing I would have the results on Monday. This was Friday. My heart was broken but I continued to be optimistic thinking it was all a mistake. That it wouldn’t come back to be Trisomy 18. The prognosis for babies diagnosed with this is NOT good.
Monday I got the call that changed my life forever, it was Trisomy 18. I put things in God’s hands. I asked him for understanding. I went through the “Why me” phase. I cried. I was angry. I screamed but in the end, it was out of my hands.
This is why when I was asked when the show launched about the baby, there were no answers. When my stomach was grabbed at Target and was asked if there was a baby in there or not. I quietly denied things. I know that because I lived the experience so publicly that there will be questions and I completely understand.
However, it is with a very heavy heart that I let you know that my angel, is now an angel.
With that being said, I don’t wanna talk about this on-air. That studio and the show are my one happy place right now. It is the one place that I can laugh and not forget, but just laugh and enjoy. I will miss my baby for the rest of my life. There will always be a piece of my heart in heaven but I hope with this, the questions can stop because each time I am asked, my heart breaks all over again. Every time someone screams it at a restaurant, my heart breaks.
I never understood why people released statements until this all happened and I realize something has to be said and I hope this answers the questions. I hope this give closure. Will I try again? Absolutely! When is that? I don’t know. Will I share it as openly? I don’t know either. I have no regrets but my family and I, in regards to this, need time to heal and a bit of privacy.
I am so honored you all were so involved and so concerned and that you choose to share your mornings and lives with us and I want to share my life with you, right now, I just need time for my heart heal.
Thank you all for your understanding and for all the concern. It means the world to myself and my family.
– Sarah Pepper